Ayos (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} ayos) wrote,@ 2005-05-24 22:29:00 |
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Two entries.
From my blog at Myspace.
Monday, May 23, 2005
I think I'm feeling better...
...but I can never be sure. Yesterday I was feeling great, then I broke down for an hour. Today I woke up feeling okay, but had to leave work because I was breaking down, and now I feel ten times better... I hope it stays. Maybe I'm finally getting to a point where I can let go. I hope so, because if I stay like this, Katie's probably going to end up hating me for being such an asshat about it. I just keep fooling myself into thinking she wants me back but something's keeping her from wanting it enough, but she really doesn't want me back, not even for a minute (I practically begged her to give me a day, an hour, anything, a kiss goodbye when she leaves for Europe - pathetic eh?) so... I need to stop thinking about that possibility and just... move on. Damn I hate those words so much, but it's proper I guess. "Move on" and "get over it" ... yeah. Maybe it won't take me two or three months. Maybe. I'm reminded of her everywhere I turn. The better I get feeling, the harder I crash when I do let the sorrow about the fact that it's over and is gone get to me - which happens every time someone really wants to know how I'm feeling. The second I try to tell them I'm okay, or admit that I'm not, I choke.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
What to do?
I'm trying to figure out what to do... June 5th was going to be my one-year anniversary with Katie, and I've been saving up for it. I was going to reserve an entire part of Basila's Cafe for dinner, so we'd be alone, put a tablecloth on the table, bring in candles, et cetera... give her some expensive piece of jewelry or something... then go up to the overlook with a blanket and sit and watch the sunset while drinking sparkling grape juice or sparkling apple juice or whatever. So now I have to decide what to do, because I don't want to just ignore that day. It means too much, I wouldn't be able to ignore it if I tried. But maybe I should... she probably will, so why not? At the moment though that's unfathomable. No way would I be able to do that, since I can't even get through a day without missing her, us, how she was, how we were, and wondering if anything went wrong to make this happen, then smacking myself because nothing went wrong, if it had, she would have talked to me about it, right?
Do you see why I'm going insane?
From my blog at Myspace.
Monday, May 23, 2005
I think I'm feeling better...
...but I can never be sure. Yesterday I was feeling great, then I broke down for an hour. Today I woke up feeling okay, but had to leave work because I was breaking down, and now I feel ten times better... I hope it stays. Maybe I'm finally getting to a point where I can let go. I hope so, because if I stay like this, Katie's probably going to end up hating me for being such an asshat about it. I just keep fooling myself into thinking she wants me back but something's keeping her from wanting it enough, but she really doesn't want me back, not even for a minute (I practically begged her to give me a day, an hour, anything, a kiss goodbye when she leaves for Europe - pathetic eh?) so... I need to stop thinking about that possibility and just... move on. Damn I hate those words so much, but it's proper I guess. "Move on" and "get over it" ... yeah. Maybe it won't take me two or three months. Maybe. I'm reminded of her everywhere I turn. The better I get feeling, the harder I crash when I do let the sorrow about the fact that it's over and is gone get to me - which happens every time someone really wants to know how I'm feeling. The second I try to tell them I'm okay, or admit that I'm not, I choke.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
What to do?
I'm trying to figure out what to do... June 5th was going to be my one-year anniversary with Katie, and I've been saving up for it. I was going to reserve an entire part of Basila's Cafe for dinner, so we'd be alone, put a tablecloth on the table, bring in candles, et cetera... give her some expensive piece of jewelry or something... then go up to the overlook with a blanket and sit and watch the sunset while drinking sparkling grape juice or sparkling apple juice or whatever. So now I have to decide what to do, because I don't want to just ignore that day. It means too much, I wouldn't be able to ignore it if I tried. But maybe I should... she probably will, so why not? At the moment though that's unfathomable. No way would I be able to do that, since I can't even get through a day without missing her, us, how she was, how we were, and wondering if anything went wrong to make this happen, then smacking myself because nothing went wrong, if it had, she would have talked to me about it, right?
Do you see why I'm going insane?
