| Um, so... |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|01:39 pm] |
|
I don't post here, obviously. Heh. Basically, I got caught in the whole MySpace craze. blog.myspace.com/ayos is my new thought log. Brief update if you don't want to bother... I got together with this girl Lindsey, that lasted a couple months, then we broke up... then on November 5th I got back together with Katie - she asked me out this time. Aside from that, I moved to St. George, got drunk and threw up and decided I was never going to do THAT again, and wrote some more stuff. |
|
|
| "You'll be fine." How do you know, can you read minds? |
[May. 30th, 2005|02:03 am] |
In one day there is so much that can happen... in one day I have gone from being happier than ever in the past week and a half, to my heart aching even more, TWICE. I called Katie up and apologized for acting like a jerk, but just an apology isn't enough. I am going to have to earn back the trust that I lost. I am so scared right now that I am going to lose her as a friend, or even as my best friend. I feel like I've already managed the latter. I don't want to go through what I went through with Sharlie, and I don't want to become to Katie what Thomas became. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy - not caring... and to have Katie not care about anything to do with me would be worse than... anything I can think of. But I rebounded from that, because she told me it was possible to earn her trust back, for us to be friends, for everything to be okay. Happies to me.
Then, stupidest thing EVER gets to me. I look on her MySpace profile, just randomly because I wanted to show Sean a picture of me that she had in her pictures... both pictures of me that she had are gone. Replaced by one of the guy she wants to go out with when she gets back from Europe, with a caption about how cute he is, and some other picture. Big deal, right? 10 pictures are the limit for MySpacers. But why'd she get rid of the pictures of me?
Now before anybody gets judgemental on me, let me remind you of one thing - I can control my thoughts and feelings no better than anyone else. Meaning, I CAN'T. Being jealous and hurt about the fact that she's replaced me (in a couple ways) so quickly is not something I want to be at all. But still it's there. I also don't want to be upset about this anymore. I wish I could just say "You know what? I don't care, I'm going to go live my life and not think about this any more" but I can't keep myself from thinking about it. So while I may feel and think these things, I don't want to - they're negative, destructive, and freakin' BAD. But I can do absolutely nothing about it except try to ignore it, try to think positively, and so far, mostly fail. But I keep trying. When I give up are times like these - when I just have to let it all out, let the buildup of my emotions go, and repeat the process. Unless you've got a better solution, one that I can actually do, not something like "JUST GET OVER IT" because that's impossible for anyone unless they're the ones to break it off in the first place, I'll keep doing this, the slow and painful process, until I'm okay. If you don't like it, too bad, this is me, I am emotional. I get attached. I surrender my heart and soul to people and it takes me a long time to get it back. I am doing my BEST. |
|
|
| Crash and burn, again |
[May. 26th, 2005|07:39 am] |
| [ | i am feeling |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | in my head |
| | Savage Garden - Crash and Burn | ] |
This is what makes me wonder if I'll really be able to get over this any time soon without closure. Yesterday was the one-week mark - one week of me being absolutely single. Surprisingly, I did fine - ALL DAY I hung out with friends, from 8 in the morning til 11 at night. Surrounded myself with people I loved to be around, or at least liked to be around. It was also the one day out of the past seven that I haven't cried.
Today I wake up, and it's like the real world just comes crashing in on me again. First day back at work at Best Buy, which keeps getting more difficult as the days go on - and the only thing that got me through it okay at times was the knowledge that I had Katie to look forward to. Already I am feeling alone, feeling that aching emptiness that comes from knowing you can't hold the person you love the way you used to - and even hugs will be cut short.
I wasn't dependent on her, but she was the center of my universe - everything I did, planned, all of it revolved around her. That's why I'm quitting my second job, so I could at least have nights free with her.
I'm trying so hard, but every time I start to get better, right afterward, it gets worse. |
|
|
| Two entries. |
[May. 24th, 2005|10:29 pm] |
From my blog at Myspace.
Monday, May 23, 2005
I think I'm feeling better...
...but I can never be sure. Yesterday I was feeling great, then I broke down for an hour. Today I woke up feeling okay, but had to leave work because I was breaking down, and now I feel ten times better... I hope it stays. Maybe I'm finally getting to a point where I can let go. I hope so, because if I stay like this, Katie's probably going to end up hating me for being such an asshat about it. I just keep fooling myself into thinking she wants me back but something's keeping her from wanting it enough, but she really doesn't want me back, not even for a minute (I practically begged her to give me a day, an hour, anything, a kiss goodbye when she leaves for Europe - pathetic eh?) so... I need to stop thinking about that possibility and just... move on. Damn I hate those words so much, but it's proper I guess. "Move on" and "get over it" ... yeah. Maybe it won't take me two or three months. Maybe. I'm reminded of her everywhere I turn. The better I get feeling, the harder I crash when I do let the sorrow about the fact that it's over and is gone get to me - which happens every time someone really wants to know how I'm feeling. The second I try to tell them I'm okay, or admit that I'm not, I choke.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
What to do?
I'm trying to figure out what to do... June 5th was going to be my one-year anniversary with Katie, and I've been saving up for it. I was going to reserve an entire part of Basila's Cafe for dinner, so we'd be alone, put a tablecloth on the table, bring in candles, et cetera... give her some expensive piece of jewelry or something... then go up to the overlook with a blanket and sit and watch the sunset while drinking sparkling grape juice or sparkling apple juice or whatever. So now I have to decide what to do, because I don't want to just ignore that day. It means too much, I wouldn't be able to ignore it if I tried. But maybe I should... she probably will, so why not? At the moment though that's unfathomable. No way would I be able to do that, since I can't even get through a day without missing her, us, how she was, how we were, and wondering if anything went wrong to make this happen, then smacking myself because nothing went wrong, if it had, she would have talked to me about it, right?
Do you see why I'm going insane? |
|
|
| Not getting better. |
[May. 22nd, 2005|10:53 am] |
|
I can't believe this. Every day that goes by it all just seems worse. The only thing that hurt more than this was losing Sharlie's friendship. I've cried at least once every day since this happened. I just want to curl up and die, it'd be a lot more comfortable. But I don't want to die... I just want to... I don't know. I don't want to feel this alone ever again. |
|
|
| I feel like swearing... |
[May. 21st, 2005|12:08 pm] |
So I think I might in this post. Just a warning so those of you who are used to my ever-clean language won't be shocked.
I'm so upset right now. My stomach is twisted up in knots and I'm questioning every single thing I'm doing. My motives are clear in my head but sometimes my heart screams out something totally different, and I'm second-guessing every damn thing I'm doing. Why in the hell does this hurt so much? I can't understand it. I knew it was coming, I even told her she should do it, but somehow I convinced myself that it would be easy, smooth, an ideal transition from one point in our lives to another, a fond farewell to a great period in our lives and the greeting of another. Everything I can come up with tells me that it's just because it all came so suddenly, so unexpectedly. This seems a little melodramatic but it's like death. If you know it's coming and you know when, it's easier to embrace, but if it's all of a sudden a knife in your heart, or if someone you know suddenly dies, it really fucking SUCKS.
Okay. I'm done. For now. |
|
|
| I'm not okay (I promise) |
[May. 19th, 2005|10:07 pm] |
Suddenly, I like My Chemical Romance better than ever. Oy, I don't know how much longer I can go on being pathetic, I think one day is enough, but it's so hard to pull myself out of this mess in my mind. All these reminders all over the place, everywhere, of her. Did I screw it up again? Does she really want new experiences or does she just want to get away from me? Dumb to wonder, but those questions will arise no matter how much you trust that someone cares about you, when something like this happens. I won't let them consume me, though.
I'm really not okay, though. This should be so much easier than it is, but it all came on so suddenly. All day today I just wanted people to go away, shut up, but I didn't want to be alone. Argh, I'm so stupid. |
|
|
| It's over. |
[May. 18th, 2005|09:09 pm] |
|
God damn it. |
|
|
| To take my mind off it |
[May. 12th, 2005|12:15 am] |
The Keys to Your Heart
|
You are attracted to good manners and elegance. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
|
|
|
| I knew it was coming... |
[May. 11th, 2005|11:16 pm] |
| [ | i am feeling |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | in my head |
| | Abandoned Pools - Start Over | ] |
Still I'm really surprised, and it hurts a lot.
Katie and I are breaking up soon. She says she needs a change... she's right, of course. I've thought a lot about the fact that I'm her first boyfriend, she needs more experiences, but... yeah. It still hurts, both of us, I can tell. Neither of us want to break up but at the same time, we do because we know it'll be the best thing. She may want it more than I do right now though, which is probably dumb of me but... yeah. I almost cried like five times today. That's a record.
I just hope we can at least make it to our one-year anniversary before we break up. Hopefully I won't screw up our friendship afterward, though I've already managed to do that once.
So... back to the single life for me. Sigh. |
|
|
| ...Update?! |
[Apr. 12th, 2005|12:31 am] |
Wow. Long time. What to write? I don't think people even know I log on here anymore. I'm actually more on MySpace than here. So if you have MySpace, look me up under my email address. And if you don't have that, then too bad for you.
Everything is pressing down on me hard. I'm working two jobs right now, one in the morning and one in the evenings. So basically, all day every day. It's so crazy. I've been together with Katie for 10 months now, and every day that passes by makes the voices in my head grow louder: "you need to break up. She's 16, you're her first boyfriend and she's your second girlfriend - she needs other experiences, and so do you." But I don't want to leave her. That's one of the reasons my ex and I broke up, and things have never been good between us since then. Speaking of, that's another thing that's really... not hurting, not making me crazy, but just... I don't know. I talked to my ex the other day (well, a couple weeks ago) and we talked about everything. I won't go into detail, but basically, we can't talk to each other. I had hoped it wouldn't turn out like that, but it did. I almost started crying. I hope she couldn't see. I never thought I'd end up not even being able to talk to someone I love.
Anyway. I'm worried about my friends, too - not just local friends, though some do concern me at the moment, but a few of my online ones, too. Reading blogs and stuff are really good ways to find things out from friends that sometimes are just too difficult for them to say in person sometimes. Katelyn, May, Nikki, Audri... please don't forget that I'll do anything I can for you, and maybe some things I can't. Be happy. |
|
|
| Unfortunately, it could happen! (or not.) |
[Feb. 12th, 2005|10:34 am] |
Okay now that that's over... I'm SO looking forward to spending Valentine's Day with Katie (8 months, holla.) You have no idea. I'mma buy her lots of chocolates and stuff.
Also, sorry I haven't posted in a while. Major things have been happening in my life. Someone I thought would never be my friend again says they want to give it a shot. I'm moving out probably in the next couple months. I'm excited.
I miss peoples. Kim, Rachel, Rachel, Jeanette, Tanya, Chantel, even Nikki, though I seen her just the other day... sigh. :( |
|
|
| (semi)New song! And stuff. |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|11:19 pm] |
So, I've been on this kick lately where I look at my old unfinished songs and say "hay, those were never finished. They're old too! I should take some of these half-baked ideas for lyrics I have sitting in my head, and find a song they fit with!" So here is one.
EVENT HORIZON (REDUX)
Looking through calloused eyes
Your careless heart falsified
Thoughtless soul, soulless mind
Mindless lies deceive you every time
When what you need isn't what you want
And what you want is what will haunt you
You turn aside and turn away from me
Calloused eyes that refuse to see
A heart that cares about your soul
A soul that minds and will not lie cold
That wants to give you what you need
An eye to help your spirit see
When we parted, you swore to me
That if you ever laid eyes on me again
There would be a heavy price to pay
Well here I am, in harm's way again
CHORUS
If you wanted to destroy my life you could
I gave it all to you because I said I would
Stand here waiting for the final movement
Checkmate, the game is over, this king's dead
My heart still cares about your soul
A soul that I hope won't lie cold
I want to give you what you need
An eye to help you see me
Waiting on the brink of everything
I stand with you but all alone
One false move and I'll be history
Forgotten and retold inaccurately
Chorus
BRIDGE
It gets brighter
As the black pulls me in
It gets brighter
As I try to sink and swim
Still I hope
You'll come around someday
Still I hope
As you whisper 'Checkmate.'
Chorus
___________________________________
Okay that's over, now... oh, update. Erased some journal entries as you may have noticed, but no worries - here's a quick update on my life. Katie and I are doing great. Still together - today was our 7-month anniversary! We watched the Alias season premiere and drank sparkling apple cider to celebrate. Haha. Once I have more money I'll take her to do something nicer. I get paid friday, so no big deal. Last month was our 6-month or half-year anniversary, and it RULED. So many things happened... but I won't tell you except that there wasn't naughty stuff involved. Haha! It was all very good though, and we've been going strong ever since. I love her, a lot, and I know she feels the same way. Which amazes me. Anyway... that's all for now. |
|
|
| The Next Time |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|10:04 pm] |
"The next time you give your heart away
Make sure you get it back in one piece"
Nobody really knows what they lay on the line
It's like a three-stage blackout, dark, darker, darkest
When you're blinded by a "love" that you can't define
That's number one, getting dark, but it's only a test
Many eternal moments later the light dims more
You miss the light but not as much as you miss your heart and your soul
The second level's come and squeezed the sunshine dry
Cause you gave them both away to one who's thrown them aside
Here comes the third, and finally you start to see it
As the blackness closes in you start to realize
The one who holds your heart is becoming it
And now she walks away, the darkness pulls itself inside
It's up to you to find the pieces that she left behind
Put back together what you can without her and in time
You'll realize you can find someone who's just like you
Who won't thank you for your heart and then break it in two
"Maybe this time" you always let yourself think
"I can give it all away and get it back in one piece."
Maybe you can, because after all
You survived it once - and so again, you fall
The next time you give your heart away
You never get it back, and in that, you find peace.
____________________________________________
I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking when I wrote this poem. The quote at the top is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. But love... yeah. Love is a funny thing. You have to give everything up, including caring about getting anything from it, in order to get anything from it, and sometimes you don't get everything back. Sometimes you feel as if you aren't getting anything at all back. You have to know how to be completely selfless. It's difficult. I get so frustrated because there are times with my girlfriend that I feel I'm trying to give her my whole heart and soul, and she doesn't want it. Our relationship feels rather stagnate right now, it's not going anywhere. It's almost worse than going backward. |
|
|
| Trying to remain positive |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|10:41 am] |
| [ | i am feeling |
| |  pensive | ] |
I managed to get Katie to blow up at me yesterday. First time she's actually done it with her voice, usually it's been over the internet. Not that either are good things. I think I must be making a big mistake, as far as this entire issue goes... I guess I've just not been positive enough about it. I'm trying... it's really hard. Any normal person would probably have given up by now, but as hard as it is, I CAN'T give up, something's keeping me from it. My feelings for her are much stronger than I guess even I realized. I won't give up on her, unless, maybe, she gives up on me.
I just need something to help keep me positive, but I don't know what it is. Everything that happens and lots of what she says (especially when she gets angry at me) seems so negative and seems to point toward the idea that she just doesn't like me anymore and doesn't want to be with me anymore, which is the second most negative thing I can think of at the moment. The first would be that she isn't happy, and it kinda points toward that, too - she isn't happy WITH ME. If she could say something to get rid of that doubt, that insecurity about whether or not she even wants me around at ALL, my job would be a lot easier.
But ... even if that doesn't happen I still have to remain positive. HAVE TO. |
|
|
| GOLLY JEEPERS! |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|10:51 pm] |
| [ | i am feeling |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | in my head |
| | El..mo? | ] |
Okay, so, I was just arriving home from werk, and I drop my buttootie on the computer chair and log onto MSN messenger to check and see if any awesome people are awesomely awake at this hilariously awesome time of night, and nobody is, so I check my email even though it says I have no new email messages, and my email page loads up... and all of a sudden, CONFUSION. It says I am using 1% of my storage space. What? Usually it says like, 74% and YOU ARE REACHING SWEATY CRITICAL STATUS, YOU HAVE NO MORE STORAGE, THROW AWAY YOUR BURRITOS. So right about now I am thinking "Ohnoes, what if all my emails got stabbed and left in a dumpster somewhere?!" But then I read on past the 1% to where it usually says "of 2MB" and instead it says "of 2...5...0 MB" that's TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY TEN YOU GUYS. Hilarious joy. Excitement. I have been HONORED with awesome unpredictable hotmail FREE EXTRA STORAGE. Who else has? I HAVE! Crazy!
Oh and also, update... Katie has decided she does NOT want to break up with me. RELIEF. Still, we have many things to work out, because the longer they go without being worked out, the worse they will become. Eventually either she is going to have to overcome them, or we will have to separate.
:( |
|
|
| Using a distraction |
[Oct. 20th, 2004|10:51 am] |
| [ | i am feeling |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | in my head |
| | AFI - The Leaving Song (part 1, not 2) | ] |
Gotta get stuff off my mind, today's the moment of truth, Katie wants me to pick her up from school so we can talk. I'm scared, especially since the tone of her email seemed very serious. Ugh, enough about that, I'm feeling sick with worry because of it. As I said, DISTRACTION.
Steal'd from Kim.
Three things I am wearing right now:
1. Navy blue skater pants
2. Black and red longsleeve HHS Ballroom team shirt.
3. Katie's mood ring... -.-
Three Things you have bought recently:
1. Roses for Katie
2. Roses for Des for her birthday
3. MUSCLE POWDER I mean protein shake mix.
Three things on your desk:
1. I don't have a desk, but this desk has a 17" monitor
2. Another 17" monitor
3. A crapload of CDs.
Three things you can't/won't live without:
1. first impulse is to say Katie but that would be overdramatic. Um... food.
2. water
3. clothes
Three things I want to do before I die:
1. find real love
2. perform on broadway and/or in a movie/musical album of my own
3. get married and have kids
Three good ways to describe my personality:
1. quiet
2. sensitive
3. what's a good word for "tends to get too attached"?
Three parts of my heritage:
1. Scottish
2. um... American?
3. European. Phaw.
Three things I like about my body:
1. My eyes
2. My hair at the moment
3. Way stronger than it looks
Three things I don't like about my body:
1. My left eye has a weird shape
2. I'm way too skinny (hopefully will change soon thanks to MUSCLE POWDER and lifting weights)
3. My eyesight is like... 20/350 or something. Not good. Also, eyes tend to get infected if contacts are left in too long, and lately my lower back has been giving me crap.
Three things (most) people don't know about me:
1. I actually DO listen and pay attention
2. My feelings for people, good or bad, are usually so strong that it takes a LOT to change them.
3. I consider kisses to be some of the most special things in the world.
Three things I will say the most (lately):
1. "ow my back."
2. "hippies."
3. "gravy."
Three places I want to go:
1. Hawaii
2. Australia/New Zealand
3. Europe.. or New York.
Three names I go by:
1. Elijah
2. 'lijahbutt
3. Ayos
Three screennames I have had:
1. Ayos (or Ayos Blade)
2. Daniel Xavier
3. Gavin Darklighter (my very first one)
Three reasons you completed this survey:
1. Need to get my mind off stuff
2. See above.
3. See above. |
|
|
| Worst day ever |
[Oct. 17th, 2004|09:06 pm] |
| [ | i am feeling |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | in my head |
| | Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams | ] |
At least, so far. Well, no, I don't think this quite tops the whole Sharlie/love incident, but it comes close. Tonight was definitely the first time in a while that I've cried over a girl. It didn't last long, mostly because I don't want to end up getting depressed, but yeah.
Katie's talking like she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She says she isn't sure if she does or not, which, knowing my luck, will mean that she doesn't. I guess I'm just not what she wants or needs. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ayos's journal
